


The Inevitable

by CaptainNautical



Category: Disco Elysium (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, Blood and Injury, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Harry Talks to Himself, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Alcohol Abuse, Mild Blood, References to Depression, Relapsing, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sorry Cop, ancient reptilian brain is menacing, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:48:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23834143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainNautical/pseuds/CaptainNautical
Summary: “ Kim halted to a stop, his shoes making a loud squeak on the floor. There were a lot of things Harry was. Cruel wasn’t one of them. That voice sounded cruel. It sounded like a lizard had crawled up Harry’s larynx.”—Harry has a relapse... and a bit of a tantrum.(Written For the Disco Elysium Big Bang)
Relationships: Harry Du Bois & Kim Kitsuragi, Harry Du Bois/Kim Kitsuragi
Comments: 14
Kudos: 67





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Previously this work was named “the definition of relapse”  
> I like this one better

There is an incredibly loud slam at the back of the room. It sounds like an explosion the way it echoes through the stale linoleum flooring of the gym.

Kim was about to head back home for the evening. Usually on Thursdays Harry stayed late and worked out in the small gym precinct 41 had. It was more of a room with mats and some old workout equipment thrown in the corner but it was passable. Passable for Harry at least. He was just about the only person that used it anyway.

They were living together now, Harry and Kim. It started off as just roommates, what with Kim needing somewhere to stay while he got settled at the station. It didn’t take too long for a relationship to form.

There was a low sort of grunt, the sound of weights clacking against one another, and then a horrific sounding crash.

Kim broke from his intense listening and jolted into action. He rounded the corner out of the locker room, palming the door open and letting it hit the wall as he tumbled out onto the squeaky wood floorboard of the gym.

Harry was standing in front of a shattered mirror. Maybe standing wasn’t the best word. He looked like he was fighting between sinking through the floor or rocketing himself into space. On the ground were thousands of Harry’s staring up at their assailant. The reflection was a strange mix of furious and miserable. His lips trembled in a scowl.

There were two weights lying limp on the ground in front of the now destroyed mirror wall. One was a fifty pound dumbbell. The other a 100 pound weight lifting plate.

Kim took all of this in for a lot longer than he should have. He was standing there silently without emotion, until one surfaced and bubbled in his chest.

“What are you,  an infant? ” His voice cut through the silence like it was smacking Harry on the back of the head.

Harry flinched and swore but didn’t move to look at who it was. Like he didn’t know.

“You’re lucky everyone’s gone home.” Kim walked across the room to the corner where Harry was. “I was about to leave-“

“ -Then why don’t you. ” Harry cut him off suddenly.

Kim halted to a stop, his shoes making a loud squeak on the floor. There were a lot of things Harry was. Cruel wasn’t one of them. That voice sounded cruel. It sounded like a lizard had crawled up Harry’s larynx.

Harry finally moved. His hands unclenched and reached out. His body moving slowly into a crouched position. His hands were trembling as he slowly started picking up chunks of mirror. All the while he still had not turned to look at his partner.

Kim thought about leaving. He thought about turning around and letting this child clean up after himself. If he wanted to be careless and throw a tantrum than he would let him.

Harry was shaking. He was trembling trying to gather up the pieces of the mirror big enough to just grab. He stopped after picking up three or four and just gripped them in his hand. Kim could see the shards dig into his skin angrily. His vision flickered to the reflected Harry’s on the ground.

Harry pressed his free hand to his forehead. His face was twisted up and wobbling. He really was waiting for Kim to leave. He wanted to cry without Kim seeing. Tears were running down his red face, the pads of his fingers pressing down and pushing into his eyes to try and stop himself.

Kim watched Harry wobble and land on his knees in the pile of mirror shards, and decided he should stay. He could deal with his anger later.

Kim came forward, stepping around the debris and carefully crouching down beside the detective. With his gloved hands he gingerly peeled Harry’s hand out of a fist and willed him to give up the mirror stuck there. The now free hand came away bloody. Kim reached in his jacket and produced a spare napkin. He gently pressed it into Harry’s palm and wordlessly encouraged him to keep it there.

Harry still wouldn’t look at him. He gave up on hiding his tears and with a resigned look on his face he stared at the glass under his bare knees. He was wearing shorts and a beat up t shirt. The faded name of a high school and the word varsity were crumbling off said t shirt.

They sat there in silence for a moment. When Harry cried it wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t like some movie where small tears ran down a beautiful face. Harry was a tired and worn man. Thick tears pushed out of the corners of his eyes onto a trembling face that twitched with the effort of trying to stop himself. He couldn’t see anything except the swimming visage of hundreds of sad middle aged men crying on the floor.

_ That’s you. _ A voice hissed in his ear.  _ Some sad schmuck. Tell him, Harry. Tell em what you gone and did. _

_ Which one? _ Harry asked.

“Detective,” Kim’s voice came from in front of him. He was crouched on the ground in his line of sight.

For the first time the whole day Harry looked him in the eyes. The Kim he was looking at swam in his vision. Like Harry was underwater looking up at the surface.

Kim reached out and brushed away a piece of glass on Harry’s leg.

“What happened?” Was all he asked.

_ Tell him you blew up the apartment. Maybe a joke before the truth would soften it up. _

_ I want you to look at your situation right now. Nothing is going to make this better. _

Harry wasn’t speaking. He was just looking at Kim and then away and then back again. He started to sway slightly. Kim was gazing at him intently. He was searching for those signs he knew so well. When he found them he nodded his head.

“You’ve relapsed again.” Kim stated.

The word ‘again’ hit Harry in the chest. He frowned a little bit, a new wave of tears spilling over. Harry didn’t even have to nod.

He was afraid. Kim was never unkind to him if he didn’t deserve it. God did he deserve it now. He just didn’t know if he could take it. Harry felt so horribly fragile. He was staring into space when he opened his mouth. He closed it to swallow and let his eyes droop ever downward before he opened it again.

“I’ll clean up.” He said hoarsely. “You don’t have to wait up for me.”

Kim hummed a little. He pivoted and looked around at the mess at his feet, the glass crackling under him.

“And how will you explain this to the captain?” The lieutenant pushed his glasses up with one finger.

Harry was too miserable to say the joke answer in his head. He simply looked around him and shrugged slowly.

“Just say sorry I ‘spose.” He mumbled.

Kim looked at Harry. His eyes flickered to the ground for a moment before he stood.

“Go take a shower, Harry. I’ll take care of this.”

Harry looked up with knit eyebrows.

“No, I don’t want you t-“

“Go take a shower, officer.” Kim repeated. 

It didn’t take more than that. Harry stood slowly, his joints popping and protesting. Glass was stuck to his knees. They started to bleed slightly. He walked away without another word and pushed his body back into the locker room. It felt like he was being swallowed up as the stale lighting of the locker room engulfed him.


	2. Chapter 2

The air blowing on his face in the kineema felt nice. Harry had his head leaning against the window with his eyes closed. His hair and mustache were moving slightly with the cool wind blown at him from the AC unit. It would’ve been nice if his head wasn’t spinning and threatening to pound itself out of his skull.

Sad FM was playing quietly on the radio. Harry dared to open one of his eyes and glanced over at his driver. It had been silent since they got in the car.

Kim was driving with one hand. The other was propped on the window in a familiar pose; Kim was biting absentmindedly on the fingertip of his gloved hand. It was an old habit he never broke. (Harry kept this to himself but he had put two and two together that Kim used to pick at his fingers.)The lieutenant struck this pose while driving all the time. Harry would watch him quietly as he bit at the end of his glove, eyes on the road and thoughts up in the clouds. He was doing the same now. This time his brows were a bit more furrowed and Harry could probably guess where his thoughts were.

“I-“ Harry opened his mouth to say something and about a thousand voices yelled at him to shut up. He met Kim’s expecting glance. His eyes flicked towards the one raised eyebrow. Harry shut his mouth. “Never mind.” He murmured.

It was the same on the way up to their apartment and the same when Kim walked in a different direction than Harry to do something alone. Harry supposed he probably just didn’t want to look at him right now.

_You’ve got to be kinder to yourself_. A quiet voice said in his ear.

_ What for?  _ A raspy voice replied. _ He’s taken one step forwards and ten steps back for months now. _

Harry realized he was still standing in the threshold of the apartment. He rubbed his eyes and took off his shoes, pacing a few steps in and standing still again.

_ The fuck are you waiting for, man? _

_ Give him a minute. We’re running on fumes here. _

Harry was startled by a light brush on his arm. He made a stupid sort of grunting sound before the face of Kim registered in his brain.

“Where on earth do you go?” Kim said, letting his hand fall as he turned and paced the couple steps over to the sofa. 

“What do you mean?” Harry said. He wasn’t sure why he asked. He knew what he meant.

“They still talk to you as often? Those... voices.” Kim sat on the sofa. He was wearing sweatpants and a loose fitting sweater. Harry had given it to him when he first moved in. 

Harry nodded in reply. He still hadn’t moved. 

“They argue.” He said simply. The detective looked past Kim and out the window at nothing in particular. His vision felt fuzzy and his head foggy. 

_ It’s the speed withdrawal, milord.  _

“Harry.” A sharp name.

Harry blinked. There was a sigh in the room. Faintly he could hear someone getting off the couch. Then he felt a hand slip into his and start leading him somewhere.

The next thing he knew he was sitting in just his boxers on the lid of the toilet. He shook his head a little bit and pressed the palm of his hand to his one eye. 

Kim reappeared in his line of sight and placed a glass of water with two tablets fizzing at the bottom of it on the counter. Harry got the message and took the glass. 

When the tablets were dissolved Harry tipped the glass to his lips and downed it in one gulp. Kim went to take it from him but Harry grabbed onto his wrist gently. Kim stopped and so did Harry. 

The detective just held onto him there for a moment. He could feel his calm and steady pulse and the staccato of his own underneath his fingertips. 

“Kim I...” He trailed off, looking at his hand clasped around his partners. Harry closed his mouth and leaned forward. He rested his forehead on Kim’s arm. 

There was a soft sigh in the room before fingers threaded through Harry’s hair. Kim strokes his head, letting his fingertips linger at the nape of his neck before reaching back up. Harry closed his eyes now. Kim sighed again.

“I know, Harry.” He whispered. 

Kim gently tugged his hand out of Harry’s grip. He rubbed a small circle at his back as a reassurance before taking the glass and stepping away.

“Take a shower, Harry. I’ll make us something to eat.” 

Harry nodded his head numbly. The bathroom door clicked shut. 

The rest of the night was full of silence. They ate the leftovers Kim decided they were finishing. After that Kim sat at the counter with some papers from work and Harry sat on the sofa listening to the news on the radio. Apparently there was nothing to report on but static. Harry heard nothing but. He was too busy looking out the window or thinking about how cool it would be if he threw himself out of said window.

Some time after that Harry stood up. Kim lifted his head at the counter. 

“I’m going for a walk.” Harry announced.

“To where?”

“The bedroom.” 

Kim leant his head on his hand. He clicked his pen a couple times as he looked at Harry turning and walking down the hall.

“Don’t get lost.” He said, looking back down at his things. At the top right corner of the notebook he had written himself a note. When he looked down to write something else his eyes scanned over the small note with a circle drawn around it. It wrote: _Talk to him._

Kim sighed. He rubbed his forehead and looked at the now empty hall. 

Harry made it to the edge of the bed. Once said bed was in sight all of his motor functions had decided to shut off on him and he collapsed onto it with a muffled huff against the comforter. He pulled his limbs up close to his body and shut his eyes.

Then... Nothing.

_Harryyy._ A familiar voice cooed in his ear. It is gravel and sand paper and venom. It swirls around his head and hisses down his spine. _Welcome back, lover boy._

_ I’m not back. I’m just dreaming. _

_Ooh_. A soft hum. _You’re lying to yourself, Harry. We feel the poison in our veins._

_We feel the familiar burn eating us away._ A second, ghostly, voice chimes in. _What have you done?_

_ Fucked up is what he’s done. _

_ Make it stop then. Make the itching go away.  _

_The look on his face today, Harry._ The raspy voice was back. With it there was suddenly thousands of glass shards on the ground. Each looked at him with disappointment and shame.

 _I think,_ the snake swirled around in his brain, encasing him tighter, _you should stay this time. You need this._

_The horrible dark._ The haunting voice was back. _Someone is talking to you,_

“Harry.” A soft nudge at his shoulder. Harry flinched a little and lifted his head. His hand came up to his lips and wiped the drool off his mouth.

“Huh?”

“Come up on the bed. You’re not even under the blankets.” Kim was wrapping his hand around Harry’s arm. He tugged just a bit in silent encouragement.

Harry made a small noise before shifting back on the bed. He slowly pushed his limbs under the covers and eased himself in.

He was surprised to find Kim crawling in after him. The skinnier man sidled up next to him. He rested his head on his own pillow but was far closer than usual. Harry had his eyebrows slightly raised.

“Time is it?” He mumbled. “You okay?”

Kim smirked a bit.

“It’s around eight.” He replied.

Kim went to bed at ten. He did so like clockwork. Every night he had the same routine. Harry usually just stumbled in when he felt like it.

_ Ok hear us out. _

_ I’m listening. _

_ What if he... wants to be with us? _

_ Preposterous. _

Kim reached out and gently wrapped his arm around Harry’s.

_ On second thought- _

Harry didn’t know what to do. He thought touching Kim in return wasn’t the best move here so he laid still, letting himself be held.

Kim ran his hand up Harry’s arm. Harry slowly moved his head to lean on top of Kim’s.

“You know,” Kim said quietly, “you were sober for a lot longer this time.”

Harry didn’t say anything. He stared up at the ceiling. Faintly he felt something on his cheek. He blinked as Kim pushed gently on his jaw until Harry looked at him.

“Are you keeping score?” Harry muttered.

The corners of Kim’s mouth twitched upwards and he stroked his thumb gently across Harry’s cheekbone.

“Yes.” He said simply.

Harry swallowed and brought his hand up and around Kim’s. 

“I’m sorry Kim I... I’m tryin.”

Kim looked at him silently. He rubbed the pad of his thumb against Harry’s cheekbone and leaned forward. He pressed a kiss to Harry’s forehead.

“You infuriate me Harrier Dubois.” Kim said against his skin. He pulled back to look at Harry’s now worried expression. “But that’s all I ask of you... that you try.”

Harry closed his eyes in relief. He let out a long breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“I am... I swear I am.” He murmured.

Kim settled back down with Harry. He leant his head against the bigger man’s shoulder and snaked his arm to interlock around his. He interlocked their fingers and looked up at the ceiling. Harry joined him. He turned his head to look at the blank ceiling, now a soft blue with the rising moon, and breathed with Kim.

He knew things weren’t amazing, but things weren’t horrible either. He had taken ten steps backwards, but ended up taking two steps forward after that. He would relapse again, it was inevitable in the process, but it was okay. 

Besides, if things were so bad he wouldn’t be here right now; softly talking to Kim while looking up at their shared ceiling. He wouldn’t be holding hands and sharing air with his Kim.

No... things were okay. They were getting better.


End file.
